I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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