you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
