In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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