Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
