Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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