I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize