ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she woke up with a sticky ear
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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