i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
