dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
