i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
honey bunches of taint.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
