Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
