If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
