Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
