he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
