My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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