I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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