I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
