So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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