I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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