he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
