he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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