in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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