It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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