yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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