I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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