look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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