I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
