If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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