a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
