I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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