Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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