I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Couch. On fire.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
