i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dick very happy bro
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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