I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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