I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
