I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This house was built for laser tag.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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