i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
