You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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