when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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