I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
