Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
