The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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