he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
