my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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