Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
