I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
