Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
