I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
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We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
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i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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