My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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