I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this beer tastes like vomit already
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
