I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
