He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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