i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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