Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
