PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
