you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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