You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
