last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
