took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dignity is for republicans.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
