Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
